WARCRAFT - A Really Long Rant On A Very Boring Film

Alright, it's time to rant.

It's going to be hectic, and probably involve a lot of pictures from Google.

WARCRAFT

"Does this have a Braveheart feel to it?"

So, here's a little backstory of how I ended up going to watch this awful film.

Back in the day (Probably 2006, 2007), I was pushed by many of my peers at school to go play 'World Of Warcraft" online and pay the subscription and I could do this and that so on so forth.

However, back then, my first computer that belonged to me was a very low spec machine that would be completely incapable of playing Warcraft on even low settings.

SO - 

I opted with the cheaper, less intensive game, Runescape. Which was decent and I spent so many hours just sitting there clicking a mouse, what a waste of time it was. And how much I paid to subscribe to be a member and be all awesome with member only armour and weapons etc.

"I did this for HOURS and HOURS. Sad."

After the Runescape era ended, I was once again told to go down the Warcraft path. In which I declined over and over. I moved on to First Person Shooters and single player stuff and couldn't be bothered with online MMORPGS etc.

So in my years of being involved with computers, job wise, etc. I had a lot of clients that always said -

"Will my machine play World Of Warcraft?".

- Well yes, you have a Core 2 Duo, 4GB RAM, 8800GT 512MB, no probs.

Examples like that. I looked up the specs of the game and really it doesn't require something top notch to play the game. But it's not just specs people needed to worry about, it was their internet connection that slowed the game down to a terrible rate.

"This PC plays Warcraft at 30FPS CONSTANT...as long as I don't have Ventrilo open."

Long story short - I never cared for the game, it's world, it's fandom etc. It is just simply not for me. That's a simple opinion. I played Runescape and spent too much time on that, why go to another one. I moved on.

SO - all the above can be skipped if you want, you can read on from here on -


*SPOILERS....SSSSSSSS..SS..SS..S*

Actually, you can skip a little more.
NOPE, you can read this now.
A friend and I were out going to some random stores having a look around and we were due to go to an auction that night. So we had a few hours to spare.
He suggested we go see Warcraft, but he did tell me that he has heard that critics don't like it. I told him I wasn't expecting much. And that's exactly what I got.
2 hours wasted. (Then again Runescape was like....100 hours wasted so whatever).
But I could have been doing something else better than watching this film.
Why?
Because it was....a jumbled, fumbled, warped, crazy film that only applies to those that are fans of the game and not your average filmgoer.

"So this film is going to be good right? What about the guy in the cape?"

I remember late last year seeing a 360 degree Virtual Reality trailer for the film and played around with that for 2 minutes before deciding that I didn't care. So that was the last I had to do with it. Until now.

RANT STARTS HERE - SO NOW THERE IS SOME SPOILERS
(If you know the game, then expect to know everything)

*I am also going off what I can remember. It's not a lot as it wasn't memorable to me anyways, which I will explain further down.

WARCRAFT started showing the logos, blasting some battle themed music, the Legendary logo appeared, then the Blizzard logo appeared. (Please, do not make films of video games. No more.)
Then we get some awkward shot and a boring narrative that was so vague, to me it was "These dudes don't like these dudes, so they have been fighting for years".
So it shows an...Orc...thing...and a guy in cheap looking armour that was pulled from a 60's re-enactment with the narration and then the guy getting plummeted by the Orc with a huge hammer. 

*CUT TO BLACK*

Wow. What a way to start the film. These monsters don't like humans! That is original!.....

So then we have, Main Story Orc Man, Main Story Orc Mans Wife having some random conversation about something. Main Story Orc Mans Wife is expecting a Main Story Orc Child. So we have to get that out of the way.

"Main Story Orc Man, visually, looking good, but other than that, boring."

Then we are thrown into what looks like a Renaissance carnival with some randoms talking, the Main Unlikable Guy Who Can Kill Anything, the King that has a $2 Crown plonked on his head, and some other useless characters also including Kid That Has Magic And Isn't Harry Potter.

"So you saying that if I have ONE sword, I can defeat a HORDE of huge monsters. Rad man!"

"Since when did my arm glow blue? Must have been one hell of a night!"

Why am I using names like that? Because honestly - I have absolutely no fucking idea what their names are.
They said their names in the film a few times, but, they aren't memorable.
I am not going to shout - OH THAT'S _blank_ FIGHTING _blank_ cause I have no clue who they are.
Whereas, even though I never read any of the Harry Potter books, YOU KNOW WHO the characters are only a few minutes into the film. Both films have bizarre names, but WARCRAFT just have names of characters that are made using someones fist bashing against a keyboard I would imagine. And same with the game.

ANYWAY.

Then Big Orc Group want to kill humans to take back their land and open some portal with the help of Main Story Evil Orc Magic Man blabbering some nonsense and stealing souls out of blue people.

"Rawr. Yeah I eat souls and stuff. Other than that, I mumble stuff."

We then see some half cast, I shall call her, Main Story Half Cast I'll Save The Day Thing, she isn't like the other Orcs, she is more human. So we see that and go, oh ok. WHERE THE FUCK DID SHE COME FROM?

There's all these Orcs who have the same features/build for each gender, then this one Half Cast that I thought, is that some of sort of experiment or something? I don't know, nor do I care.

*I will say the CGI of the Orcs was really good in particular scenes, you can see quite clearly that they are very well detailed, move realistically, and make you believe that they are real. Even though they are a work of a computer. You then have an Actress with the most unbelievable makeup applied to her - she sticks out like a sore thumb.
I almost feel sorry for her to be in the film, unless she really liked the game.

"Hey guys, we need a half cast thing, here's a woman who is willing to be one, let's paint her green and put these plastic fangs in her mouth and tell her to wear some garbage "clothing" and show eye candy - brilliant!".

Not to mention - I could BARELY understand what she was saying due to that horrible mouth prosthetic.

"Let's put her into this, it's eye candy for all the fans! And give her a shitty tusk prosthetic."

*NOOBS*

Honestly, if this Main Story Half Cast I'll Save The Day Thing was a part of ALL the other Orcs who are quite rough looking and tough, she has chains around her and is pulled around by them, yet her fang/tusk things are whiter than my own fucking teeth, clean as a whistle. A little detail like that made me wonder why that would be. She is thrown around and pulled around and wearing close to fuck all, yet manages to pull off pearly whites. Yeah, I am believing this.

So we go back to the Kingdom Of The Fools in....Iron...let's think of a name. IronButt - there we go.

"Flying to...that place"

They gather there and find out that evil Orcs are taking over parts of their world and taking humans, they have to stop them! But how!

A GUARDIAN called...er....Main Story Guy Who Wears A Cape And Looks Like A Ripoff Wizard From A B-Movie.
He can save the day for sure!

"I am Zordon Of Eltar!"

He mentions to main unlikable guy who can kill anything who is the kid that has magic downstairs, meaning he can sort of be telepathic. Yet couldn't work out where the Orcs were. But of course, story, cause in the end he becomes Ivan Ooze. No shit.

(Also, yes, I will say the Power Rangers Movie was better than Warcraft. Sigh)

"NO SHIT, he looked like this by the end of the film"

I am going to now save everybody the hassle of reading more of me trying to explain the story and summarise it up in a paragraph. Or 2.

They all go to battle, half cast ends up with humans to defeat orcs, some kid dying, good guardian is actually evil, one Orc is trying to make peace and then at the end all is solved. End.

"Thumbs up, end of story, see how easy it is!"

See wasn't that hard to explain it
However, the story has SO MUCH SHIT going on I don't know what to follow.

"WE MUST GO TO....IRONBUTT....."
"WE MUST TALK TO THESE RANDOMS!"
"HERE IS A TABLE WITH BATTLE PLANS! LET'S IGNORE THEM!"
"DAD I AM A SOLDIER, I SHALL DIE FOR YOU IN HONOUR!"
"I AM A HALF CAST, WHY AM I HERE AND WHERE DID I COME FROM?"
"I AM EMPEROR ZURG, SWORN ENEMY OF THE GALACTIC ALLIANCE!"

I give zero fucks about the story.

For 2 hours there are all these story arcs that happen, I couldn't keep up with all of them. The main point was X vs X. With some shit happening between.

There were so many parts of the film that started with something then just, cut's itself off and sweeps itself under the carpet to lay dormant.
You cut from one place to another and expect to go 
"OH YEAH THAT'S CAUSE SUCH AND SUCH IS GOING TO DO SUCH AND SUCH".
A lot of the film was predictable in such, you knew, ok they showed that REALLY close so you know later on that the Guardian is bad.

"Will my shitty tusk things get stuck in your beard if I tried to eat your face?"

I almost feel like for this 2 hour film, they had a 10 hour story line that *may* have been good for normal moviegoers, instead just shove EVERYTHING we can into 2 hours.

None of the characters were memorable, except for half cast, because of how poor she actually looked in the film.

The main character had a son, but, he dies in the film and it's sort of like. And? It didn't change anything. He was a character we seen on screen for all but 2 minutes and then he dies IN HONOUR, and?
The King was either married to the main guys sister or something like that. She looked nothing like anyone else, so, why not.
The magic kid looked like he just rocked up from a cosplay from the game and they threw him in the film just for kicks and associated him with someone from the game.
The main Orc visually was impressive, but, I know nothing else.
The villains weren't interesting. Just typical "Destroy the world stuff"
And then good guys saying "If we don't do this, the world is destroyed!"
EEE TEE CEE
The settings of the film were so bland and just not interesting. They spent most of the money into making the Orcs look good (Which they did - 1 POINT for that) - and the rest of the money giving this almighty king of IronButt a crown that looked so poor it could be found at a dollar store.
When there is the HUGE battle taking place at the end of the film, it is did remind me of a packed area in an MMORPG with everyone just throwing swords around and getting "pwned".

"The epic battle. SWING, SWOOSH, BOOM, BANG!"

Also, a lot of Orcs and Humans got killed, we see Orc blood, but we barely see any human blood. I guess to appeal to younger audiences. But there was some gnarly kills that looked cool, but were very quick and right to the point.
(AND the predictable, main hero against big guy almost get's hit but then is saved by some random who is more powerful!).

The props and etc just did not look like they were up to par. The swords looked tacky, the special effects for magic looked really really tacky. MY EYES GLOW AND BLUE LIGHTS! Send me to a rave and I might see some better effects.

So many scenes you could point out - that's in front of a green screen, or a blue screen, whichever was easier for the SFX crew.
One point during the film the Magic Kid jumps up a few rocks to get to a cliff area and he looks like he is just jumping up some wood carvings made to look like rocks. Just unbelievable. You could argue that "They were trying to make the film look the game". Then I demand to see the film in 640 x 480 resolution and at 10 frames a second and extreme lag and pop up!

"Two men enter, one man leaves. So the Orc must die of course with just a slice of a sword..."

The dialogue was just boring. No one exchanged words that you could be like - oh yeah they said this etc. The main character interacts with everyone like he left clicked on them and chose a question and an NPC answered. It was so two dimensional in terms of dialogue. 

"Still better dialogue than - we must get to IronButt!"

With the ending of the film, I felt like nothing was actually achieved. And it sets up for a follow up film.
Now the problem with this is - fans are flocking to see this.
Critics who go see this hate it so much.
So the fans have made enough money for Blizzard to literally build a twelve story mansion out of $100 bills, Bllizard made the fans have to wait for expansions (I think), yet, pour more money into the franchise to make more, to make more money - *trigger pull.

"I ain't messing with these guys, the true fans that will defend this. This was made for them"

The fans themselves either like the game, or REALLY like the game. That's absolutely fine. If you really like something and are very passionate about it, I understand that people hating on it will get to them as it's something they feel they should defend.

"The cover art of the famous World Of Warcraft"

In response to that, there's stuff that other people like and those fans shoot down the others that like something else. WARCRAFT is one of those things that is known around the world and anything that happens to that franchise is going to bring in news, rumours, etc. 

I don't want to offend the fans on anything I have written in context, it's just that from my perspective, not knowing anything about the film, the setting, where and when it takes place that's left quite ambiguous throughout the film just makes it something that was made for fans and only fans.
I also thought, maybe the cinema should give people going in to see it that known the name, but nothing else some sort of summary on what is exactly going on instead of walking into a theatre and going, right so that's Man With Staff, that's Golem the Clay Monster thing, that's the pool of blue magic that does things.

In short, if you are a fan of the game and know the environments, characters, the motivations and expect the film to be a big battle and have very little dialogue that's more like you asking an NPC where the toilet is, then you will enjoy it.

Also - WHERE THE FUCK WAS THE LEEROY JENKINS REFERENCE!?!
COME ON, IF IT WAS MADE FOR THE FANS, PUT THE GOD DAMN REFERENCE IN! 
I would have at least cracked a smile in the film instead of the stupid Magic Kid bumping into stuff.

"LEEEERROOOOOY JENKINNNNNNNS"

For normal moviegoers, this is no Lord Of The Rings, this is no Eragon, this is no Neverending Story, no Harry Potter, nothing on any level of the above films. It's way below average with a very predictable plot, poor dialogue choices, poor props and settings, and too much money on making the bad guys look good (And to be honest, better than the actual actors/actresses).
This is a film that you will forget. While trying to type this out I have already forgotten about 90% of what I watched. I don't plan on seeing it again unfortunately. But the film is doing well at the box office due to the fans, thus it's in one point, a hit film, but to most, just another average "let's make a film based on a game".

I should've went and seen "Now You See Me 2". Would've spent that $10 just for Woody Harrelson making some one liners and puns.

END

For now...until the second one comes out in like, a year. But my friend and I definitely walked out going - never again shall we see something like this.

Sigh. Time to put some good movies back into my brain.

"I should've done this in the first 5 minutes of the film"